My new treat..

there have been some epiphany moments in my life.. looking back to them I can clearly recognize them now
like last year at the hospital.. the IFO in Rome.. we were still doing all the tests for my mum, and didn't know the horrible response yet
We met one lady, with her father.. she looked at me and mum and said that she had lost her own mum of cancer two years ago.. she suffered terribly, also because she was pregnant (which at that time I thought was a wonderful thing, but I've changed my mind, I couldn't care for another human being right now). And then she said "Now there is my father.. and i have to care for him and come here to the hospital for his tests, and it's all right like that." But she was so deeply sorry, and you could tell that at the beginning she didn't want to care of her dad, and i'm sure must have preferred see her father dead, rather her mum..
Luckily mum couldn't hear properly.. and so she didn't listen to her destiny
I love you mum, always

yesterday i went to my parents' in law for dinner.. they were celebrating with home made pizza the time with her daughter, who is back in italy for her holidays..lucky them.. how much do i hate just plain, disgustingly happy families?
I used to have one too.. now it is no more
They invited me for dinner tonite as well..
i gently said no, preferred to have a normal dinner with my dad - who i don't like at all, but at least he doesn't speak a lot, so I could stay alone with my sorrow

I'm reading the Alchemist, by Paulo Coehlo. It does say: "when someone really wants something, the whole universe helps him/her to achieve it"
so I'm asking myself what i really want to achieve? Have I got a dream? It's horrible, at this stage i don't have any dreams at all
is that possible?
have i got everything that i want? no
maybe i've got too many things to desire, which means i probably don't have a very strong desire..
have i become a non ambitious person?
i'm trying to listen to my heart to see what it wants, but i can't hear anything

it was extremely boring.. like a very long wedding, with old fashioned dances and everyone excited for such stupid things..was it really so bad or it was my mood? if i only could take some salsa lessons

I'm going to my very first company Xmas party in Italy.. apparently Xmas parties here are quite boring and everyone feels like obliged in a way to go, while they really would like to be elsewhere..
Well, I used to love xmas parties in the Uk, so i might find this one good as well..
well, my mood is different this yesr, isn'it?